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Disclaimer: Michael Schooley is not responsible for any illness, injury, or death caused by anything he posts on tumblr.
Mar 9 '14
I took BuzzFeed’s “What’s your Patronus?” quiz, and I got John Stamos!

I took BuzzFeed’s “What’s your Patronus?” quiz, and I got John Stamos!

Feb 19 '14
Nov 11 '13
Nov 1 '13
People always come up to me and say “Holy cow, Michael Schooley… you’re such a bad bitch! I daresay the baddest of all the bitches! How can I be such a bad, bad bitch like you?” and up until now I’ve always had a difficult time summarizing such a complex topic with sufficient profundity. Thank heavens somebody *finally* compiled this comprehensive guide, eloquently written and complete with all the essentials. In fact, 9 out of 10 bitchologists agree that this is the quintessential guide for any bitches trying to up their badness (the 10th bitchologist is just a basic bitch. Please see point #2 on the list.)
People always come up to me and say “Holy cow, Michael Schooley… you’re such a bad bitch! I daresay the baddest of all the bitches! How can I be such a bad, bad bitch like you?” and up until now I’ve always had a difficult time summarizing such a complex topic with sufficient profundity. Thank heavens somebody *finally* compiled this comprehensive guide, eloquently written and complete with all the essentials. In fact, 9 out of 10 bitchologists agree that this is the quintessential guide for any bitches trying to up their badness (the 10th bitchologist is just a basic bitch. Please see point #2 on the list.)

(Source: facebook.com)

Sep 11 '13
My milk expired today :’(

My milk expired today :’(

Aug 25 '13
Die Happy
Jul 30 '13

To those who suffer from a shy bladder:

Excuse me while I get a little bit personal…
This may come as a shock to some of you, but I used to suffer from a shy bladder. I’d enter public restrooms, every time unsure if I would be able to squeeze out even a single drop. Call it a shy bladder, call it pee-shy, stage fright, bashful bladder, mental cloggery, the slow dribbles or creeping pee-pee, the names are various but the embarrassment is one and the same.
Nobody wants to admit that it happens to them, but I believe that this issue is much more widespread than we realize. As a former victim, I now notice it almost daily. I see men standing at urinals trying/pretending to pee, hoping against hope that this is their time, until they have no choice but to give up, flush a urine-free toilet, and wash their hands with sadness.
I want to raise awareness of this common ailment, and make the victims aware that there are millions of others like them, and it’s nothing to be ashamed about! Shy bladder friends, we must unite! Although you can only pee when you’re alone, just know that you are NOT alone in your suffering. And it CAN be beaten! These days I walk into bathrooms with immense confidence. I’ve conquered bladder shyness, and so can you. Have hope, stand tall, believe in yourself. Don’t let your bladder define you.
Anyway, that’s enough of that. Back to the rest of your Facebook news feed. (spoiler alert: people are tired at work, it’s hot outside, people like the music that they like, people’s babies/puppies/grandparents are cute, and people ate food)

(Source: facebook.com)

Jul 29 '13
"The best lunch is a good book."
-Michael Schooley, eater of books

"The best lunch is a good book."
-Michael Schooley, eater of books

May 23 '13

Fox News is now reporting that the Tornado that devastated Oklahoma this week was a practicing Muslim.

May 18 '13
Mike’s Beverage Reviews: Martian Poop soda. I was on some weird narcotics when I tried this, and I think it affected my taste buds. To be honest, I wasn’t even really sure whether this was a real thing or if I had dreamt it until later when I found the pictures on my phone. In short, I can’t give a proper review of this beverage’s flavor, but I’m sure it was pretty good. I mean, it’s marionberry flavor, so it was probably good, right? I give it __ stars out of 5.

Mike’s Beverage Reviews: Martian Poop soda. I was on some weird narcotics when I tried this, and I think it affected my taste buds. To be honest, I wasn’t even really sure whether this was a real thing or if I had dreamt it until later when I found the pictures on my phone. In short, I can’t give a proper review of this beverage’s flavor, but I’m sure it was pretty good. I mean, it’s marionberry flavor, so it was probably good, right? I give it __ stars out of 5.