A week ago I tweeted, “Any schmuck can splash H2O on their head. If we REALLY want to cure ALS, let’s see some celebrities dip their balls in buckets of ice water.” Well, now that I’ve been nominated for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, it’s time for me to lead by example. This ought to cure ALS for sure! Plop, plop!
I love Vanilla Coke, but I don’t love high-fructose corn syrup. Those close to me know that I’ve been fervently hoping and wishing for a sugar-sweetened version of Vanilla Coke for years, and for years Coke has done nothing but let me down and leave me flat. Lately I’ve been on the brink of giving up hope and succumbing to the dark syrupy vanilla-flavored desperation forever…
I generally prefer Coke to Pepsi, but today Pepsi came through for me at a time when I really needed them. Pepsi has filled this void in my soul, they’ve given me something to believe in again, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
I got on stage and did 2 minutes of jokes about centaurs. It is now part of an online comedy competition, and I would appreciate it if you would click this link and vote for me! You can vote once per day. Also, watch some of the other comics, as you can vote for as many videos as you like (once per video per day). Salt Lake City has some talented comedians. THANKS SO MUCH!
People always come up to me and say “Holy cow, Michael Schooley… you’re such a bad bitch! I daresay the baddest of all the bitches! How can I be such a bad, bad bitch like you?” and up until now I’ve always had a difficult time summarizing such a complex topic with sufficient profundity. Thank heavens somebody *finally* compiled this comprehensive guide, eloquently written and complete with all the essentials. In fact, 9 out of 10 bitchologists agree that this is the quintessential guide for any bitches trying to up their badness (the 10th bitchologist is just a basic bitch. Please see point #2 on the list.)
This may come as a shock to some of you, but I used to suffer from a shy bladder. I’d enter public restrooms, every time unsure if I would be able to squeeze out even a single drop. Call it a shy bladder, call it pee-shy, stage fright, bashful bladder, mental cloggery, the slow dribbles or creeping pee-pee, the names are various but the embarrassment is one and the same.
Nobody wants to admit that it happens to them, but I believe that this issue is much more widespread than we realize. As a former victim, I now notice it almost daily. I see men standing at urinals trying/pretending to pee, hoping against hope that this is their time, until they have no choice but to give up, flush a urine-free toilet, and wash their hands with sadness.
I want to raise awareness of this common ailment, and make the victims aware that there are millions of others like them, and it’s nothing to be ashamed about! Shy bladder friends, we must unite! Although you can only pee when you’re alone, just know that you are NOT alone in your suffering. And it CAN be beaten! These days I walk into bathrooms with immense confidence. I’ve conquered bladder shyness, and so can you. Have hope, stand tall, believe in yourself. Don’t let your bladder define you.
Anyway, that’s enough of that. Back to the rest of your Facebook news feed. (spoiler alert: people are tired at work, it’s hot outside, people like the music that they like, people’s babies/puppies/grandparents are cute, and people ate food)